At least make sure they are 18
Why
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Randomize
