god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
