So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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