Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
