Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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