I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize