There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
