Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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