you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
