Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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