After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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