If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
