Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
