I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
