never play flip cup with pint glasses
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
