Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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