I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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