Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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