Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
