One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
