First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
