if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
