The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
How external is "for external use only"?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
