The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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