I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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