Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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