I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
