So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
