just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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