Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
