there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
