the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
