if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
