i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
