my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
