just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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