I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
