He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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