i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You ruined the universe
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
