I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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