What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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