The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
