I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
