A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
