Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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