she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
