I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
