I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
