I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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