im six kinds of drunk right now
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
