you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
