Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
