don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
