Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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