god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
