maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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