The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
