You smell like a Billy Joel song
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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