I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
